


All New, Faded For You

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Mind Manipulation, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Pre-Dragon Age: Trespasser, Sexual Content, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6329356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisition has defeated Corypheus, and Solas vanished. He seeks solace in the Fade, but it becomes quickly apparent that what once was his second home is no longer his safe haven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All New, Faded For You

The first time he saw her in the Fade, he thought he would be ready.

Solas knew of desire demons, but only ran into a small handful in the past. There had been nothing for them to sink their teeth into, nothing he craved that they could take form of and taunt him with just beyond his reach.

But after leaving Skyhold for the last time, the Temple of Sacred Ashes far behind him on the horizon, Solas should’ve known the demons would know exactly what to do to hurt him most.

He was wandering his dreams, searching for a spirit benevolent enough to share stories with him. It would take time for him to send word out to all of his agents. Despite how he had spent much time alone, after being in the Inquisition for over a year, he longed for some form of company. As if listening to his unspoken desire, a demon appeared and took form.

“Solas,” an all-too-familiar voice said behind him, and he stopped in his tracks. The voice that haunted his memories now decided to haunt his dreams, too.

He turned. Lavellan was standing there, wearing a calm smile and an adoring look in her eyes. Everything down to the last detail was exactly as he remembered: the shape of her nose, the curve of her lips. He took in a sharp breath, almost swept away by the renewed heartbreak. It would never be easy – at least not for a long time. But then he composed himself.

“Greetings, spirit,” Solas said coolly, wrapping his fingers tighter around his stave. The familiar wooden surface – even if it were not really there – was a comfort. The demon continued to smile at him.

“Solas, don’t you recognize me?” it asked, spreading its hands and tilting her head ever-so-slightly to the right. “ _Vhenan_ – your heart?”

He ignored the throb in his chest. “This is the Fade. It’s impossible for you to have found me. You’re not real.”

“Is anything real here?” the false Lavellan quipped, taking a step towards him. Solas watched warily but did not move. The demon mistook it for hesitance, and advanced even closer. “I’ve missed you, Solas. But I forgive you. I understand what you did was for the best. For both of us.”

“If you understand that,” he replied, accepting the bait laid before him, “then why are you here?”  
            The demon kept on smiling her smile, the same one that he once would have given anything to see again. “Because you still love me.”

He turned away. “We’re done here, spirit.”

A soft noise came from behind him – an unnerving mixture of a sad gasp and amused giggle. “No, we aren’t, Solas,” the demon said, still using the voice not of its own. “Not until you’re mine again.”

* * *

 

            It took only a few more dreams for it to realize syrupy sweetness wouldn’t work on him. The next time he stepped into the Fade, he found himself in Skyhold – in Lavellan’s chambers. He recognized it from all the countless moments spent in there with her, stolen minutes filled with hushed whispers and tender kisses.

            Sprawled across the bed was the demon, clothes gone and only a thin sheet covering the most intimate places. “Solas,” it cooed, “I’ve missed you. Come hold me.”

            He didn’t move from his spot at the top of the stairs. “You underestimate me, spirit.”

            “Do I? I recall our first kiss was in the Fade, wasn’t it?” the demon asked with a knowing smile. “Or did it not count, like the Fade-tongue?”

            “Enough,” Solas said, and stomped his stave against the floor. “You won’t fool me, spirit. You can delve into my memories as much as you wish, but nothing you do or say will convince me.”

            A soft sigh escaped the demon, weary, as if it were him being the unreasonable one. She sat up, revealing Lavellan’s bare body. His gaze lingered for a second too long, as a smirk played on her lips and she got to her feet. “I don’t just miss your company, Solas,” the demon said, moving with grace to stand in front of him. Her hands rested on his front and he tensed beneath them.

            “I’ve missed your lips… Your _touch_ …”

            For the first time, Solas touched the demon. He placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back, away from him. “Be gone, spirit,” he repeated for the countless time. “You will gain nothing from this.”

            Frustration morphed Lavellan’s face into something ugly. “Why do you deny me?” it asked, fluxing between her voice and something deeper, more sinister. “I know you crave me. I know you _need_ me.”

            “Wrong,” Solas responded firmly. “It is you that needs me, spirit.”

            The demon howled in anger, and its façade melted. An elongated jaw protruded, filled with snapping teeth and a frothing tongue. “I will not be denied forever, Dread Wolf,” it growled, and Solas released its shoulders, repulsed. “Your heart is weak, and I will have you!”

            Solas took a step back and looked the demon in the bloodshot eyes. “No, spirit, you will not.”

            Once more it howled, but then vanished from his dreams. Albeit, it was only for a short while.

* * *

 

He’d lost count of the number of dreams when everything abruptly changed. Solas ignored the demon that trailed behind him as he walked, stones forming beneath his feet with each step. It was quiet, to his relief, as he didn’t wish to deal with Lavellan’s voice. A spirit drifted in front of him, molding and shifting between shapes. Before he could call out to it, however, something else caught its attention.

The spirit headed south, and when Solas turned his head, he saw what it sought. A glowing beacon, distant but bright. From the corner of his eye the demon vanished. It finally was bored of him.

He almost turned to continue, but something made him stop. Curiosity gnawed at the edges of his mind until he, too, started towards the light. He wasn’t alone. Many spirits were dancing about, quivering with excitement the closer they reached the mysterious glow. The Fade shifted from an endless plain to a thick forest, trees growing high into the distant sky. It bore a remarkable resemblance to the Emerald Graves.

“Solas!”

He stopped, frozen in his tracks. Lavellan’s voice called out from afar – from just beyond the glowing light. There was no mistaking it, as the demon had tormented him with it for so long. His mind urged him to turn back. But his heart, it ached, and whispered, pleadingly: _Just a bit further._

Like a fool, he listened to his heart.

The trees thinned, and as he got closer to the source of the glow, it dimmed. But the throng of spirits was thick, and had they been solid, he would have bumped elbows with several by now. He murmured no apologies, as most spirits were too transfixed by the glow to notice he was a waking dreamer.

Right before the trees broke into an open clearing Solas realized what the glow was. The Anchor.

Standing in the clearing was an elvhen woman, so painfully out of place with the whispering spirits and the shimmering tress. She was solid, a dull stone in a world of overwhelming color. Solas wanted it to be a trick, or another desire demon trying to tempt him. But instead, it was much worse. It was her, aware and seeking him out in her dreams.

“Solas!” Lavellan called, her hands cupped around her mouth. The glow of the Anchor was much brighter in the Fade, casting its light across her face even as she called his name. Spirits danced in close, but Lavellan didn’t even glance at them.

Solas was at a loss. How had she gotten close enough for them to cross paths in the Fade? He couldn’t believe she would search for him herself. The demands of the Inquisition were too great for her to just abandon them. Seeing her tore open his heart, all the breath in him snatched away. All of his pain came back at once. _I want you to know that what we had was real._ He almost couldn’t stop the memories of when he left her from taking solid form. The last thing he wished to see was her back to him as he fled, abandoning his orb and her in one fell swoop. He wanted to wake, so he could uproot his camp and resume his search at a safer distance – away from her and all the reasons why he wanted to turn back.

But instead of pulling himself out, he slipped behind a tree.

Lavellan lowered her hands, as if waiting for a response. After several moments of silence, it sank in that she wouldn’t get one, and her expression wilted. More spirits gathered, and it wasn’t until one drifted in front of her face that she seemed to notice how many there were. Her lips parted in a weary sigh. She looked down at her hand, a frown knitted her brows together.

 _Does the mark still plague her?_ Solas wondered. Would he be given another regret to add to many, thanks to the choices and mistakes he’d made?

He blinked, and as suddenly as she’d appeared, she was gone. She must have given up. Relief slipped from him in the form of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. It was for the best. Disappointment and longing tugged at him, but he shook it off. Lavellan would understand. Eventually she, too, would stop seeking him out in dreams, and he would be left alone with the demon once again.

* * *

 

            Solas didn’t depart when he awoke. He packed up his things and was ready to leave. In fact, he’d stared at his meager belongings and willed himself to leave. But something – well, he couldn’t lie to himself, as it was clearly Lavellan – kept him there until nightfall, where his only option was to sleep and wait for the sun to rise.

            His dreams brought him to the same forest as before. After a short while of wandering, he found the forest clearing from the night before and sat in the shadows, waiting. A tiny handful of spirits drifted in and out of the clearing, as if they, too, were waiting for Lavellan to return. He was aware of how stupid it was; how foolish he was being to stay. But his heart ached to see her. _One more time_ , it pleaded.

            Eons of patience rewarded him. Several minutes of waiting went by, and he was about to call it a lost cause – surely Lavellan would have moved on after last night’s failure – when the underbrush across the clearing started to shift. Appearing out of the very air itself, Lavellan stepped into the clearing. The spirits shivered in delight once they sensed the Anchor, some immediately going over to spin around her. For the most part, Lavellan ignored them. Instead, she again lifted up both hands and called: “Solas!”

            Her answer was supposed to be silence. But a twig snapped on Solas’ left and his head turned. There were no twigs in the Fade unless the spirits willed them. But it was enough to draw both of their attention to—

            “Solas,” Lavellan breathed, her hands dropping to her sides as Solas – no, not _truly_ him – stepped into the clearing. He wore the very same armor as the last time Lavellan saw him, the dust from the Temple of Sacred Ashes still lingering upon his shoulders. A warm and tender smile crossed his face.

            “ _Vhenan_ ,” the false Solas greeted her.

            Solas’ gut twisted. The desire demon that had plagued him for so long hadn’t gotten bored; it found new prey. But he knew he couldn’t intervene or say anything, lest he give himself away. _Lavellan is wise_ , he told himself. _She will see through the demon_.

            The demon spread open his arms, and Lavellan all but ran to him. She held him tight, as if afraid that he would slip through her fingers yet again. “I thought I’d never see you again,” she said, her words barely audible against the cloth of the tunic.

            “I could never stay away from you, _vhenan_ ,” the demon purred, weaving his fingers into her hair. Solas could feel a heavy lump in his throat. It took all of his willpower to remain in place. Lavellan was a smart, beautiful woman. But now he couldn’t tell if she was going along with the demon simply to ease her own heartbreak, or if she truly believed he was real.

            Solas didn’t know which hurt worse.

            Lavellan lifted her head from the demon’s chest and met his eyes. “Why didn’t you say goodbye?” she asked, and Solas saw her hands clench into fists against the demon’s back. “You could have at least said _goodbye_.”

            “I had no choice, _vhenan_ ,” the demon replied, and it sounded so similar to what he would say that Solas cringed. “But I never stopped thinking of you. Not for a moment.”

            Solas fought the urge to look down in shame. The demon was voicing his thoughts, word-for-word. He thought constantly about what could have been. What the two of them might have had if it weren’t for what he must do; or for his duty to his people.

            Lavellan smiled, even as her eyes grew wet. But then sadness filled her face once more, and she said softly, “You’re not real, are you?”

            The demon appeared taken-aback for a moment. “Of course I am real, _vhenan_ ,” he said. “I crossed the Fade and journeyed countless times in my dreams in hopes of finding you. I heard you call out to me, and ran to be at your side once more.”

            “No,” Lavellan said, and she pulled back from the demon’s embrace. “You’re only saying that to feed off my desire. But no more.” She waved her hand, the Anchor flashing, and the demon quickly scowled. “Now leave.”

            The demon vanished in a single blink, the notion of easy prey scattered to the wind. Solas watched Lavellan, as her expression slowly shifted from composed to hurt, to finally defeated. She took in a shaky sigh, and turned, about to leave. But then she stopped, and looked directly at him.

            Solas hadn’t noticed that he’d gotten to his feet. But now that the demon was gone and no longer taking Lavellan’s full attention, it left him completely open.

            Lavellan’s lips parted in surprise. But before she could get out a word, Solas jarred himself awake. He sat up, the moon low in the sky and a sheen of sweat drenching him from head to toe. As he fumbled to light the kindle with his fingertips, he vowed to move his camp the very next night.

* * *

 

            Solas could only bring himself to move his camp a few miles north. He didn’t know where Lavellan was, nor would he let himself search for her. Looking for her in the Fade had been foolish enough. Even still he kicked himself for letting her see him. He could only hope that after the run-in with the desire demon, she would second guess whether he, too, was real or not.

            He entered his dreams with great reluctance. The demon was there once more. But this time, it took the appearance of a lumbering wolf with too many eyes and protruding fangs. Its dark fur rippled with an unseen wind, with the color tiptoeing a line between black and dried blood.

            “So you’ve finally given up, spirit,” Solas said.

            “I’ll give up once you do, Dread Wolf,” it replied with a low chuckle. Its voice jarring to the ears, sounding of many people trying to speaking in unison, only to be just off of a symphony.

            His eyes narrowed. “It was you that tried to tempt her, wasn’t it?”

            The demon stood, circling him as it spoke. “She indulged me more than you ever did.” It sounded almost disappointed in him. “A pity. Although what can I expect from the grand and illustrious Inquisitor? Slayer of fear demons and conqueror of rifts?”

            Solas turned and started to walk away. He had no direction, but the demon followed him regardless. “Why do you follow me, spirit? I know better than most mages of the dangers in interacting with the malevolent. You will find no gain with me.”

            “Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong,” the demon said. “You’re desperate, Dread Wolf, in more ways than you know.”

            Solas opened his mouth to retort, but when he glanced to the side, the demon was gone. He paused, expecting it to reappear at any moment. When he remained alone, he resumed walking. He didn’t make it far, however, when he was forced to a stop.

            It was Lavellan. She stood in the path, and stared straight at him. For a moment Solas considered it was the demon again, trying once more at its games. But her frown was cautious, contemplative. She was waiting for him to approach her.

            They both stood in silence. Solas was at a loss for words. He didn’t want to believe it was her, because if it was and it dawned on her that he was also the real thing, he didn’t want to think of her reaction. Of what she would say. _What if she forgives you?_ his heart whispered.

            She broke the silence. “Is it really you?”

            He almost ran. It would have been easy to repeat last night, to simply wake and leave the dream behind. But with her right in front of him, standing almost close enough to touch, that seemed cruel to them both. “This is the Fade,” Solas responded after careful consideration. “Is anything truly real here?”

            Like how he expected, his answer only caused her to frown. “So you’re just another spirit.” She sighed before mustering a small, sad smile. “So that’s it, then? You’re really gone, aren’t you?”

            It took everything in his power to remain stoic. He was afraid to crack, afraid to let it show that she was wrong, that it was really him there. She couldn’t know. “Why do you keep searching?” he asked softly, before he could stop himself. “I was selfish, and I hurt you. Why would you try to seek me out?”

            Lavellan stared at him, surprise making her blink and hesitate for a moment. He almost expected her to not answer – why would she, anyway? He didn’t deserve an answer, whether she thought he was a spirit or not. Nor did he deserve her dedication.

            “I wanted answers,” she said, catching him by surprise. “An explanation, I suppose.

            “When you left, I was so…” She forced a laugh. “By the Creators, I was so angry. You never even said goodbye to me. There wasn’t a note or anything. You simply disappeared.”

            “ _Vhenan_ …” Solas began, only to stop himself, biting his tongue.  

            She continued, either not hearing him or choosing to ignore it. “I didn’t want to find you so you’d come back. Creators, all I wanted were _answers_! Why you gave Corypheus that orb, why you never told me, why you…” Her voice caught in her throat. “Why you broke up with me without a word of explanation at all.”

            He watched as Lavellan took a deep breath, composing herself again. It took several long moments, in which Solas waited with silent patience. When she finally did speak again, she sounded resigned. “I just wanted to understand _why_.”

            Solas ached to give her an explanation. But how could he explain it to her? He had wanted to, once, and had tried to. The thought of telling her everything – of the Veil, of who he really was, of the Evanuris and what they did – was daunting. Telling her now would only make things worse. Knowing her, she would try to stop him, and that was something he couldn’t allow. Not yet.

            She needed to stop chasing him.

            He steeled himself for what he must do. Abruptly he stepped forward, and placed his hands on her shoulders. Lavellan was startled, staring up at him with wide eyes. “Sol—”

            “Give up,” he said, his tone as cold as he could make it. “I left because I didn’t need you anymore.” It took much strength to keep his voice level. “You were useless to me.”

            Lavellan remained shocked. “I don’t understand.”

            “With the orb destroyed, I didn’t need you or the Inquisition any longer.” Solas squeezed hard on her shoulders. “I _used_ you. When I couldn’t use you any longer, I _abandoned_ you.”

            Her eyes went wide. “What? No, no… You wouldn’t do that.” She shook her head, and began to struggle in his grasp. “Solas wouldn’t do that.”

            “I did and I would do it again,” he retorted sharply. He jerked her so hard that her head almost snapped back. With his face inches from hers, he hissed, “Now _wake up._ ”

            And then she was gone.

            Solas’ hands remained in the air where her shoulders once were. He could still feel them under his palms, a lingering sensation that faded with each passing moment. Ever-so-carefully, he lowered his arms back down to his sides.

            It wasn’t long before he noticed he wasn’t alone.

            The demon was back. It sat on its hunches and watched him with all six of its red eyes, baring its teeth at him in a mocking grin. He didn’t need to hear it speak to know what it was saying. His heart was practically speaking on its behalf. _You hurt her all over again._  

            “Are you satisfied, spirit?” Solas asked.

            “No where near,” it answered. One of its many eyes blinked.

Solas pressed his lips into a grim line. His emotions were raw. Hurting Lavellan – scaring her – into waking her up was not something he was proud of doing. But she needed to stop chasing him. He needed her to. Whirling on the demon, he cried, “Why do you torment me? I will not fall to temptation! You know this!”

The demon laughed. It laughed until it was little more than a mangled shriek, grating Solas’ ears and chilling his blood. “I’m not here to tempt you, Dread Wolf,” it said, licking its teeth. “I am here to lap up every weakness, every regret, every doubt. Every little bit of despair that drips from you like thick, golden honey.” It stood, and suddenly it was looming, casting him in a dark shadow. It leaned down and fixed him in place with one eye.

“You will never be rid of me. Not until the day you die.”

Solas sat up with a jolt. Again he was covered in sweat, with the unnerving laugh of the demon still ringing in his ears. His heart beat against his chest, hitting hard against his ribs until he thought they could snap under the unrelenting beating. He panted for several moments and held his head between his hands. He counted backwards and forwards, many times over, until his breathing slowed and his heart stopped hammering. But instead of feeling calm, Solas’ stomach rolled as bile rose up in his throat. He couldn’t shake the demon’s words.

For the demon was right.


End file.
